


The Wolf

by Caladenia



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode: s04e25 One, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-01-05 13:59:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21209702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caladenia/pseuds/Caladenia
Summary: A hazardous journey through a nebula. A crew going to sleep. A captain alone and in charge of the ship. An unexpected companion.Alternative version of the episode 'One'.





	1. I hurt too much

**Author's Note:**

> Greatest thanks to BlackVelvet42 who pushed and helped me through, then said: _Now go and post, WOOHOO!!!_, so there it is.  
And to Curator for the grammar beta. Commas? Pfft. Who needs them? I am also very grateful that she pulled me back from making Chakotay not the person he really is.

* * *

  
_I think too much_   
_I do too much_   
_ I fall too much_   
_ I fail too much_

⁂

“It was just a shadow at the corner of my eyes.” Janeway massaged her temple, a headache hanging over her like a bad dream. “I prefer not to involve security. The crew is edgy enough without the news I’ve seen an apparition doing the rounds.”

Chakotay swiped his PADD. “Nothing unusual on both external and internal sensors. Seems nobody has outstayed their welcome on the ship since the Hirogen three months ago, and the Borg drones earlier this year.”

Janeway didn’t let her internal flinch reach her face. The Hirogen’s ‘overstay’ had been a nightmare, but more painful still was the memory of her first officer reneging on the alliance she’d forged with the Borg to fight Species 8472. Much had been lost during those few days, and her wounds run deep, hidden from sight and yet to heal. But that was not the here and now. Today, they had another foe to face—one dangerous nebula large enough to stop the ship in its tracks.

“It might be advisable to postpone our crossing until we find out what's going on,” Chakotay added, lifting his eyes to meet hers with equanimity.

At least he wasn’t suggesting she should go and see the Doctor. She took a sip of her coffee to mask her unease. They had more serious problems to deal with than the faint silhouette she’d seen outside her quarters at 0300. Early the day before, the ship had barely entered the vast nebula spread across more than a hundred light years ahead when excruciating pain and shocking burns had struck the crew. It had been their first and only warning, forcing them to retreat out of reach of the deadly radiation the cloud of gases emitted. Too late to save Ensign Platt however, another casualty to add to the long list for the year. Many more decades of the same and there would be nobody left alive on _Voyager_.

Ghosts, all of them, haunting a derelict ship.

With a shudder, Janeway brushed the horrific vision aside. “We can’t afford to delay our passage for something that trivial while the nebula is getting larger every day we wait. For all I know, it’s a lingering effect from our first attempt to enter the gas cloud. Nobody else has reported seeing anything strange.”

Chakotay nodded. “I’ll ask Tuvok to discreetly double the security rounds in case it’s more than a ghost.”

“Good idea. Thank you.” She watched him take a deep breath, as if bracing himself. It wasn’t a phantom animal that worried him. “Something else?”

“I understand why you don’t want to lose months going around that nebula, but letting Seven loose on the ship while the entire crew is in stasis worries me. The EMH will be no match for her if she goes…rogue.” He gave a small smile as if to excuse his poor choice of words.

Janeway put her cup down too hard, and coffee splashed over the rim. “You’ll have to trust me on that. She will not betray us. A gut feeling, if you will.”

Seven’s presence on _Voyager_ was still a bone of contention within the command team. Despite numerous setbacks, Janeway was committed to seeing Seven become a fully fledged member of the crew, while Chakotay remained wary of the young woman’s loyalty, quite unjustifiably in Janeway’s opinion.

A bone of contention rooted in an act of betrayal.

She wondered if she would have been so confident if their roles had been reversed. If her first officer had been the one to bring Seven on board. If he had been the one to take care of her and decide a former Borg drone should be in charge of the ship less than a year later, with no other oversight than an EMH vulnerable to hacking.

Or, maybe, Kathryn thought with a sharp pang in her chest, she was the one trying to justify her own decisions, second-guessing herself at every turn.

Seemingly oblivious to her turmoil, Chakotay continued, pulling at his ear. “I am more concerned about her capacity to handle being alone for a whole month. Perhaps more if the nebula is even larger than what the sensors are showing. She’s gotten used to a collective of a hundred of minds around her. Finding herself separated from her support system might be too much to endure.”

“I’ve talked to her about those very same issues, and she assured me she would adapt to the situation. I’ve also made it clear she will answer to the Doctor at all times until the ship is on the other side of that nebula and the crew is revived.”

Chakotay stood. “That's good enough for me,” he said with no hesitancy in his voice.

Janeway let her relief sink it. Putting Seven in charge had been another decision she’d made without seeking her first officer’s input. But there he was, bringing his concerns to her as befitted his role, and setting them aside as if her responses were logical and reasonable. She didn’t want him to think she was dismissing his disquiet, though. “I’ve asked the Doctor to do more research on immunising us against the subnucleonic radiation the nebula is emitting. He’ll present his findings at the senior officers’ meeting in the morning.”

“Good. I’ll see you tomorrow then.” Chakotay took his leave, his demeanour disclosing nothing more than quiet acceptance of her orders.

Janeway’s headache didn’t improve.

⁂

After a few hours spent in engineering, Janeway retreated to her quarters feeling like she’d been through fifteen rounds in a boxing ring. Preparing the ship for the journey ahead was no picnic, and tiredness weighed on her more than usual.

“Well, you aren’t getting any younger, Kathryn. Get used to it,” she said to the reflection looking back at her from the depths of the mirror with slumped shoulders and shadows under the eyes. She’d been exhausted before after too many long shifts, but rarely this insidious bone-heavy fatigue.

It wasn’t just her body that was dead-tired. Her soul had been weary ever since the whole messy affair over the Borg. Chakotay had dared go back on the alliance she’d forged with the collective while she was incapacitated. He had defied her expressed orders and spaced the drones. It was no wonder he didn’t trust the only survivor.

The worst part was that she did respect his right as acting captain to go a different path if he thought the ship was in danger. Even if it had been a one-hundred-and-eighty-degree backflip on her original decision. So, why couldn’t she stop revisiting their conversation in sickbay when she had pleaded with him to persevere with her plan, and he had gone back on her agreement? And her words once the whole fracas had ebbed:_ What's important is that in the end we got through this, together_. Why did they ring so hollow? Why had she expected words alone would erase the wrenching sensation tearing at her?

She couldn’t help thinking another confrontation like they’d had over the alliance with the Borg, and the two of them would fly apart, this time irremediably. But she had not wanted to be the one to light the fuse. Instead, she’d left him in the dark more often than was right. Giving holodeck technology to the Hirogen. Shutting him out of the Omega directive until it was almost too late. Throwing the ship into twin pulsars. Nothing that couldn’t be justified by the circumstances she’d found herself chin deep each time. And for all intents and purposes, Chakotay had supported her on every occasion after the fact, but would his equanimity last? How long before he would go against her once more?

She finished her quick toilette, ignoring the lure of a hot bath for the promise of sleep, which did not come easily, her thoughts running in circles for hours.

Seven had taken most of her waking moments to educate, guide, and at times contain over the year. Her evening dinners with Chakotay had taken a back seat until they had disappeared altogether. Even their immediate rapport while he’d been Captain Miller during the Hirogen hunting scenario had felt wrong. One could not, should not, take advantage of a situation where he had no memories of himself. And yet, she had been so close to falling into that trap.

Instead, they had drifted apart, and although he had been nothing but professional since the Borg, she kept watching him for any sign of covert concern about her decisions, any hint he didn’t approve of her methods. Waiting for him to raise an eyebrow à la Tuvok, take her aside and warn her she was endangering the ship and crew under the sole pretext of getting home faster.

_You're the Captain. I'm the First Officer. I'll follow your orders. That doesn't change my belief that we're making a fatal mistake._

Tell her, point blank, that she was wrong.

When that prospect hadn’t arisen, she caught herself over-thinking all the options, weighing the pros and cons in her mind until nothing made sense and the path ahead was no clearer. The captain found herself in need of a guide, and Kathryn in want of a friend, to no avail.

She was truly alone, and by her own doing.

⁂

“How are you going with the bioneural gel packs?” Janeway asked the Chief Engineer seated with the other senior officers.

“My team has finished erecting shielding around each one, but they’ll need to be monitored on a daily basis.”

“Doctor, that will be one of your primary duties, in addition to checking on the crew in the stasis chambers. Seven will have her hands full with navigation and engineering matters.”

The EMH grimaced. “Captain, I’m afraid my initial analysis that Seven of Nine would not be affected by the nebula radiation proved to be premature. The radiation did alter the neurotransmitter levels in Seven’s sensory nodes the same way it impacted on normal biological synaptic relays. It just took longer for her to become sick than the rest of the crew.”

Janeway’s face fell. “Are you saying that nobody can remain awake, except for you? What about your research on a preventative treatment?”

“I have tested the whole crew. Unfortunately, the inoculation I have devised will work on very few of them.”

That sounded better. “Who are they?”

“Third class crewmen McCormack and Fhaolain, Ensign Yenator, and yourself, Captain. Due to a common Irish ancestry, the four of you possess a rare pre-Celtic allele which enhances the effect of the inoculation. Without that gene, it’s about as useful as injecting you with saline.”

“That’s excellent news. When can you start the injections?”

“It’s not that simple, Captain. The compound needs to be closely tailored to the individual’s genetic markers. I have manufactured the basic ingredients, but it will take me several days to customise enough doses to protect all four of you for a month.”

Janeway’s hopes of leading a small team for the duration of their journey through the nebula vanished as quickly as they had arisen. “We can't wait any longer, and I won’t ask a third-class crewman or an Ensign to be in charge of the entire ship by themselves. I’ll take Seven’s place and fly the ship through the nebula with your help, Doctor, while the rest of the crew will go in stasis as planned. Chakotay—”

“Captain, I can’t guarantee the inoculation will reverse the cumulative damage to some body structures. The lining of the lungs is particularly sensitive to subnucleonic radiation.”

“Then we’ll enhance the radiation filters on the bridge and in Engineering, and I’ll wear a face mask with a converter elsewhere, Doctor. Won’t be the first time.” Shutting down his disapproval with a glare, she turned to face the other people in the room. “Commander, prepare the crew for stasis. B’Elanna, I want you to send me the schematics of the gel pack shielding to my ready room console, so I can familiarise myself with them. We’ve got twelve hours to get ready. Dismissed.”

Chakotay left with the other senior officers, never once looking concerned at the change of plan. Once upon a time, he would have raised hell, but not today. Not anymore.

Sinking back in her chair, she pinched the bridge of her nose. One thing was certain, spending a month alone would help clear her thoughts about what she was expecting of her first officer.


	2. I dream too much

* * *

  
_Give me some of that medicine_   
_To make me forget_

⁂

_Personal log, stardate 51929.3_

_This is the tenth day of our journey through the Mutara-class nebula. As expected, there's still no end in sight, but the ship is making good progress, and the crew remains safe in stasis._

_While the Doctor has proven better company than I anticipated, he has his own duties to attend to, and it’s hard not to feel like I’m the only person alive on the ship. I find myself thankful my daily routine does not leave me any time for leisure or idle thoughts._

Taking a few deep breaths, Janeway opened the access door and crawled into the Jefferies tube. The shadow that had been trailing her since the crew went into stasis crept behind her. It remained elusive, yet familiar somehow. As if she would know what it was if she could only face it under naked lights. But it was only a shadow of a ghost, she told herself, and she got used to it waiting at the edge of her consciousness.

The dim and confined space closed around her like a restraining jacket. The constant whine and small shudders of the ship pushing through the dense nebula were slowly intruding on her mind. Her body, meanwhile, was rueing the sixteen-hour days spent working on more systems than she cared to remember while tramping from one end of the ship to the other.

Crawling on hands and knees, she pushed the tool box forward. After this job, she’d check on the stasis chambers. Not that she doubted the Doctor’s expertise, but she was the captain. She needed to see her crew was all right.

A pair of dark boots barred her way, bringing her to a standstill.

“Hello, Captain,” said B’Elanna.

“What are you doing here? Why didn’t the Doctor tell me he had woken you?”

“He didn’t.”

Janeway closed her eyes and leaned against the wall. When she re-opened her eyes, the woman was still there. Great, her first all-out hallucination, if she ignored her companionable ghost. The Doctor had told her it could happen, but she had hoped the inoculation would protect her for a while longer. Turning her back to B’Elanna, she opened the first power relay box. “I’ve got work to do.”

“I'm just here to help,” B’Elanna said in a conciliatory tone. Which was strange coming from the half-Klingon engineer.

Relays two and four were blown. That was twelve failed relays in the past three days. Ignoring her Chief Engineer, Janeway replaced the faulty equipment and slammed the lid back into place.

She sighed. She was barely keeping up with the normal maintenance now. How was she going to fare by the end of the month? “All right, what’s your problem?”

“Don't get me wrong, you’re doing a good job, but you are spending a lot of time in the Jefferies tubes. Are you sure you shouldn’t be checking something else?”

Janeway almost dropped the hyperspanner. “I think that’s my call to make, Lieutenant.”

B’Elanna rolled her eyes. “Come on, Captain. Who do you think you’re talking to?”

Her own subconscious wasn’t who Janeway particularly wanted to have a conversation with right now. She closed the tool box with more force than necessary and moved down the Jefferies tube towards the next relay box. “Spit it out,” she growled.

“Have you checked the hull structural integrity lately?”

Janeway sat back down, and closed her eyes. She’d wanted to do that the very same morning, after waking up sweaty and her heart pounding, the sensation of being smothered and unable to move lingering for several minutes until she’d kicked the blankets off. Putting the mild panic attack down to fatigue, she’d gotten on with the schedule of tasks for the day. She didn’t have the luxury to investigate every gut feeling when she was the only one onboard who was awake.

When she lifted her eyes, there was no sign of her Chief Engineer. A lanky shadow trotted across the entrance of the Jefferies tube, swift and silent.

⁂

The hypospray hissed against her neck. “This booster should prove enough. Any side effects I should know about?” the EMH asked.

“Apart from not sleeping well? No.” Janeway bent her neck sideways, cricks snapping. The couch of her ready room was not very comfortable to sleep on.

“Captain, give me two days and I’ll make enough of the compound for one of the other crew members to replace you.”

“No. I’m fine, Doctor.” Anything but telling him about her hallucinations. She wasn’t sure which illusion was worse: talking to herself under the guise of a crew member who was in fact quietly sleeping a few metres away, or imagining an animal was dogging her every step.

The Doctor huffed. “What about a sedative?”

“Not a good idea if there’s an emergency. I’ll survive.” She waved him off. “How’s the crew?”

The stasis units lined both sides of the vast space on deck fourteen. The silent and still figures lying in deep sleep looked too much like corpses, and she averted her eyes.

“Mr Paris is proving as bothersome in his sleep as when he is awake. I’ve found him twice already outside his chamber. Nothing I can’t handle.”

“And the gel packs?”

“The shielding is holding. I’ve devised a treatment to increase their immune response to the radiation. An interesting research offshoot of the injections I am giving you.”

“Did you try it on Lieutenant Torres by any chance?”

“Of course not, Captain. Why?” The EMH looked at her with concern.

“Never mind.” She pushed herself off Chakotay’s stasis unit. “I’ll be on the bridge if you need me.”

“You need to get some rest,” the EMH said to her back.

⁂

_Personal log. Day fourteen._

_After my encounter with my Chief Engineer, as I conjured her, I undertook a full sweep of the external hull sensors. It’s a good thing I followed B'Elanna's advice. The nebula gases have started to micro-corrode the hull in several places. I’ve increased the shielding to the affected decks, which is putting pressure on other systems because of glitches in the power transfer. Which system will fail first is a matter of conjecture at this stage._

_On a brighter note, there’s been no repeat of B’Elanna’s visit, even though I am grateful for her help. The booster is doing well from that point of view. I just have to make sure I wear my face mask every time I leave Engineering or deck two. As to the shadow at my side, it lets me do my job without interfering. To be truthful, I’m getting rather fond of it. I feel a little less alone._

Janeway turned the corner of the passageway and froze. This was no Molly with her long floppy ears, soft auburn coat and gentle brown eyes. The animal calmly watching her was a wolf—a large grey wolf with piercing dark eyes, sitting on its haunches in the middle of the corridor.

Keeping a wary eye on the animal, she brought her hand to her combadge. “Computer, are there any life signs on deck seven, Corridor 4A, except for mine?”

~Negative.~

She straightened her back. “All right, my friend. I don’t know why you’ve chosen to materialise now, but as you don’t exist, I’m sure you won’t mind if I go and check the deuterium storage tanks down the corridor.” Feeling somewhat foolish for talking to a ghost, even one as handsome as this magnificent animal, she slowly walked up to the creature that stood, tail down and ears erect. When she was three feet away, it growled.

“I really wish you would let me pass,” she said, her hands finding her hips as she stopped.

Before she could take another step, the ship jolted and she slammed shoulder-first into the nearest bulkhead. Coughing, she hastily put the face mask back on and hauled herself up. The wall ten metres down the corridor had caved in, a dark pink cloud of frothing gases rushing towards her. “Computer, re-route emergency power to this junction and erect a level ten force field five metres from my position,” she barked into her combadge.

The gases hit the shimmering barrier and spread sideways, contained by the force field.

“Report status.”

~Deuterium tank Alpha-two has suffered a containment breach.~

“Vent the deuterium into space and check the molecular cohesion of the other tanks.”

~Venting in process. Sensors indicate the integrity of tanks Alpha-three to Alpha-six will fail in twenty hours. Beta tanks are undamaged.~

Damn. She could not risk losing more fuel.

“Initiate an emergency containment field to cover the entire Alpha section and increase external shielding of the hull.”

She would need to readjust the deuterium manifolds to the engines. A one-hour job for a team of engineers, half-a-day for her.

~Acknowledged. ~

~_Captain, this is the_ _Doctor. What was that explosion about? A number of stasis units have jumped out of their cradles. I require your immediate assistance.~_

“On my way.”

A shiver run down her back as she gave a last glance at the forcefield. If that wolf—or whatever it was—hadn’t stopped her, she would have been caught in that explosion.

⁂

“It’s probably just me wanting some companionship,” she let slip.

“I don’t see what the conversational skills of Lieutenant Torres’ ghost could have over mine,” the EMH huffed as he slowly passed the osteoregenerator over Janeway’s shoulder joint. “However, it does indicate you are becoming more susceptible to the effects of the radiation despite the inoculations. I’ll increase the dosage, but please, don’t take four days to let me know about possible reactions.”

Janeway played with the notion of telling him about seeing a wolf. The EMH would probably remind her about the bad reputation of wolves in the land of her ancestors or something similarly dire. The animal had not been aggressive, and even its growl had sounded more like a warning than a threat.

“Have no fear,” she said. “I’ll let you know the moment I get a sniffle.”

The EMH didn’t even grace her with a snort this time.

⁂

_Day eighteen._

_As we creep through the nebula, our luck seems to have deserted us. Erecting containment_ _fields around the areas affected by the nebula gases is eating into the power supply. I can't afford to reduce our speed though, and I find myself rushing from one failing system to another._

Janeway stepped onto the bridge on the fading notes of a Bach’ violin concerto. It had been the Doctor’s idea to stream classical music throughout the ship, although she had vetoed Klingon operatic airs. The metallic clanks mixed with deep bass voices were too reminiscent of what _Voyager_’s hull breaking apart would sound like.

“Captain, I’ve been waiting for you for much of the day. How are you doing?” Tom was spinning on his chair, the forward screen showing only the now too-familiar cloud of gases.

Janeway ordered the computer to mute the music and gave him a dark glare as he grasped the edge of his console to stop the chair.

“How did you get out this time?”

“You know perfectly well I haven’t left deck fourteen.”

She put her hands up in frustration before sitting in her command chair. “So, what do I want to tell myself, today?”

“Ah! I’m glad we both know why I’m here then…” Tom looked at her expectantly as if waiting for her to finish his sentence. Her sentence. The sentence that had formed in her mind. About something important, no doubt. Damn, why did it have to be so complicated?

Once she’d thought time paradoxes gave her the worst headaches. Having a conversation with herself in the shape and form of her pilot ranked about as high. Her hand found the wolf sitting quietly by her side, and she buried her fingers in its thick mane.

“Excuse me, but have you asked yourself why you are so attracted to that illusory animal?”

For one, the wolf was not impudent, or telling her what to do. “Just say your piece.”

“I thought you might want to check navigation. I know you’ve set the course to offset variations in gas density, but if I were you, I’ll check again. And as I _am_ you…” He smiled, but there was something almost supplicating in his grin. _Listen to me_, he was saying. _Trust yourself._

“Fine.” She called up the navigation sensors on her command console. The ship was off course by a quarter of a degree.

Venting deuterium had pushed the ship slightly off course, and she hadn’t compensated for the change. An oversight she never would have made if her mental faculties were not affected. If she hadn’t been distracted by figments of her imagination.

If she’d been sane.

The pilot tilted his head in appreciation. “Well spotted, Captain. Nothing you wouldn’t have noticed yourself, eventually, but better now than in a few days’ time.”

“Computer, adjust course.” Her voice sounded small and lost in the emptiness of the bridge.

~Course adjusted.~

The forward screen showed no difference in the thick, pink clouds surrounding the ship. She left the bridge, the wolf at her heels.

⁂

“Captain?”

“Harry?” she said, squinting in the dimness. She’d meant to rest only for a few minutes on the couch of the ready room, not fall asleep, haunted by images of a silent ship drifting for all eternity among a sea of swirling gases.

The young Ensign patted his uniform. “I’m not sure, Captain. Am I really him?”

She sat up, moving the blanket around her shoulders. Curled at her feet, the wolf got up and stretched its long, lean body.

“What can I do for you?” she asked. If her mind wanted to chat to Harry, she had no problem with that. B’Elanna and Tom had been the ones to remind her of her tasks. Check the ship. Check the course_._ What had she forgotten now?

“I missed my parents. I have so much to tell them,” said the young man, his shoulders stooped.

Obviously, nothing urgent needed her attention right now and it would be nice to talk to somebody who wasn’t pestering her for a change. “They'll be very proud of you. You've done so much for _Voyager_.”

“I don’t want to go back to find they died waiting for me. I mean, we could be stuck here forever,” he said, glancing at the viewport.

It had been a refrain in her mind every waking moment, and she fought the urge to walk up to the young man and hold him tight. “A few more days, Harry. Give me a few more days, and I'll get you out of here.”

The young man smiled. “I know you will, Captain. You’ll never give up on us. You are doing such a great job keeping the ship going.”

“Thank you, Harry.” He was giving her the pep talk she needed to start another day. She put her jacket on and clipped a new filter for her breathing mask to the utility belt sitting on her hips. When she looked up, the Ensign had already disappeared.

The wolf was waiting for her at the door. She stepped onto the bridge with more determination than she had felt in the three weeks since the ship had entered the nebula.

⁂

The Astrometrics screen showed the nebula in exquisite details, the swirls of clouds displayed in all their intricate beauty. She’d spent the afternoon in the lab analysing the pink mist for anything that would indicate the ship had crossed the nebula, and for the first time in twenty-three days, it looked different. Not so much thinner as—

“Alive.”

“Kes?” Janeway gave a sideway glance at the young Ocampa. “Well, why not you? Everybody else has come and talked to me.”

“It does look alive, doesn’t it? According to _Voyager_’s database, Mutara-class nebulas are not well understood, let alone one emitting subnucleonic radiation. What if it’s actually a life form, related to the cloud we encountered three months into our journey? You’ve always said we were explorers, Captain, and this is a marvellous opportunity to investigate further.”

“You think I should study it?” Janeway said, incredulous. A flurry of coughs left her sagging against the console.

“Don’t you want to do just that? Stop and take the time to gather more information that could be useful to Starfleet?” The young woman turned to face the screen. “They are fascinating those currents flowing and ebbing, calling at you to follow them.”

Maybe the young woman was right. Maybe those currents could lead to an easier route out. The engines needed a reprieve from the strain of punching straight through the dense nebula for weeks on end. The crew was safe in their stasis chambers according to the EMH. A few more days in the nebula wouldn’t make much of a difference.

The wolf bumped against Janeway's leg, but she ignored him. Figures and charts bathed in pink swirled in her vision. Her hand hovered over the console, ready to send a new course to the navigation computer.

Then she was falling backwards as if in slow motion. The last thing she saw as the back of her head struck the hard floor was the wolf’s dark eyes, his large front paws resting on her chest, pinning her down.

⁂

The Doctor shook her not too kindly. “Captain!”

“What happened?” she said, sounding raspy.

“You must have forgotten to change the converter on your breathing mask. The dosimeter sent me an alert. When you didn’t answer my hails, I came to investigate and found you unconscious.”

Holding onto his arm, Janeway sat up with a moan, while the EMH put a hypospray to her neck. “A few more minutes, and you would have lost what remains of your lung capacity. I have injected you with trioxin to repair the pulmonary alveoli. It will help while waiting for the booster to do its job,” he added. Her breathing soon eased into a semblance of normality.

“Your blood sugar levels are too low, and you are suffering from exhaustion. I can rectify the former, but you do need to rest.”

She wasn’t listening anymore and scrambled to her feet, scanning the console. What had she been thinking seeking to keep the ship in the treacherous nebula? The coordinates of the ship’s new course were still flashing on the screen, ready for her final approval. She erased the figures with a trembling hand as the wolf looked on. This time, he had saved the ship and crew, but it had been much too close for comfort. “I do need some rest, Doctor. I agree,” she said, her head low.

“You do?” The EMH gave her a troubled look, and she felt guilty at the way she’d been heedless of his concerns over the past few weeks. She hadn’t made his job easy.

Clearly pleased that his most intractable patient concurred with him for once, the Doctor brandished another hypospray when she didn’t recant her admission of not being made of tritanium after all. “With this to take care of your less than optimal diet, I prescribe ten hours’ sleep.”

“Make it six, and we’ve got a deal.” There were some limits she wasn’t ready to cross.

The EMH grumbled and changed the hypospray settings. “Six hours, then. I’ll accompany you to the ready room to make sure you don’t stop for a repair or two on the way.”

“No need,” she said, already yawning although it was too early for the sleeping aid to take effect. “My friend here will ensure I don’t stray.”

The EMH looked around, baffled. “Friend? What friend? Not another—”

“I would introduce you, but he is a bit protective,” she said, smiling. She hushed the Doctor away with a promise that she wouldn’t step off deck two over the next six hours for anything less than an emergency.

Back in the ready room, she promptly fell asleep under the watchful eyes of her four-legged companion.


	3. I die too much

* * *

  
_I'm bruised and battered by the storm_   
_Can't find a place to keep me warm_   
_My mind is broken and forlorn_

⁂

When she woke up, Neelix sat with her until she finished an emergency ration pack, recounting the latest ship gossip—already weeks-old but entertaining nevertheless.

The next day, she played—and lost—a quick game of kadis-kot with Naomi, after spending the afternoon purging the auxiliary plasma vents. While she was testing the gel pack shields the day after that, Seven came to inquire about the meaning of compassion. Ayala, ever the silent type, handed her tools and equipment without saying a word as she used up the last stock of relays in Jefferies tube twenty-three. With the replicators down, she could not replace them anymore. She discussed Ktarian culture with Sam while putting four damaged gel packs in stasis. Every day, a crewmember accompanied her for a few hours, her subconscious conjuring what she needed most at the time: companionship, help, a distraction.

She knew it was a sure sign her mind was buckling under the strain of the never-ending solitary travel through the nebula, and the effects of the radiation itself. The wolf always stayed close, his enduring presence pushing away the dread of another day spent propping up a wounded ship.

Despite the welcome presence of the wolf and crew, disquiet still weighed heavily on her mind. She put her hand on the transparent lid of the stasis chamber, checking the readouts as she did every evening. “You haven’t come to see me yet, Chakotay. Have you abandoned me? Is that what I am trying to tell myself? I so hoped you would…”

She didn’t finish her thought. He would do what? Appear to her like a knight on a white horse and sweep away her worries? Pretend everything between them was fine even though she'd been the one to push him away? Who was she kidding? Too much time had passed, too many paths not taken together, unspoken hopes vanishing into the past. All she knew is she missed him dearly. She missed his warmth, his presence by her side, his advice. Seeing him, immobile and unbreathing, a glimpse of what would become of him if she couldn’t fly the ship out of the nebula, was too much to bear.

All she knew was that she would be the one to seal his fate as surely as when she had ordered the Doctor to seal his stasis chamber.

A spot of yellow came into her field of vision. She glanced down the row of units to confirm Tuvok was still in stasis before turning to welcome him as he stood in front of her. “I wasn’t expecting you to come and visit,” she said with a smile.

“I am the Chief of Security, Captain. It is my responsibility to check on the safety of the crew. As you are doing if I'm not mistaken.”

She felt herself blush. “Yes, of course.” Of all the people on board, chatting to her inner Tuvok was not something she’d been expecting. No doubt, he was only here to remind her of Starfleet’s fraternisation protocols she knew by heart.

“I am your friend too,” he said in a more gentle voice.

“You’re right, sorry. It’s just...I assume you don’t approve of me thinking of my first officer in such a manner.”

“As I am not me, rationally speaking, I can hardly disapprove.”

She rolled her eyes, conscious she would never do so if he had been real. “Maybe not under the current circumstances, but I can’t help thinking many of my actions must have disappointed you since we’ve found ourselves stuck in the Delta quadrant.”

“If your decisions over the past four years had in any way endangered the ship or its crew, it would have been my duty to intervene. Although you have conducted yourself unpredictably on occasion, you have been nothing but an exemplary captain.”

“Even now? When I’m talking to ghosts?”

“Your mind is trying to survive a reality which is both abnormal and unremitting. You have found a way to endure the experience by drawing from the strengths and friendship of many crew members. It’s an original and pragmatic way to deal with a very trying situation. One that a Vulcan might not have conceived of, I must add, let alone adopted.”

“Thank you, Tuvok. Your words mean a lot to me.” For a minute she basked in the glow of the man's praise. Until she remembered she was the one doing all the talking in her own head. What she was really doing was giving herself another pep talk, using Tuvok as a motivational coach. Nothing more.

“Did you think I was such a good captain when I struck a deal with the Borg against Species 8472, and my first officer countermanded my orders?” she threw back, her penchant for self-criticism overwhelming her fleeting need for validation.

Tuvok put his hands behind his back. “You had to choose between a new and formidable enemy threatening the entire galaxy and a feared, but known opponent. Letting them fight each other would have more than likely left this quadrant in ruins, with the victor free to lay claim over the rest of the galaxy.”

“Tell that to Starfleet,” she spat out.

“As should be glaringly evident, Starfleet is far away. As to Commander Chakotay, I suggest that you bring your concerns directly to him. He will not shirk from answering any of your questions, and neither will he lie to you.”

A logical solution she couldn’t fault, but if it was that simple she would have conjured her first officer by now. The fact was she knew Chakotay too well; he simply didn’t want to talk to her.

Tuvok faded, leaving her alone in the vast and silent space. Putting her fingers to her temples in a vain attempt to quell her headache, she wondered what he would have said about the wolf. Strangely enough, her companion always stayed away from deck fourteen.

⁂

The end of the month came and went. Despite Janeway’s desperate efforts, cascades of failures swept through the ship as it crawled through the nebula. She had to draw power from the upper decks to keep the containment fields working elsewhere, and she re-routed the navigation console to Engineering when decks one through six became uninhabitable. Her rounds shrunk as she focused on keeping the engines working and protecting deck fourteen at all costs.

On day thirty-two, the EMH program flickered before going offline. She turned the music off and added stasis chamber diagnostics to her daily chores. While the Doctor had left her with a stock of boosters, their efficacy had diminished as he had warned her they would. Her body burned from the subnucleonic radiation seeping around the containment fields when she shuttled between Engineering and deck fourteen, and she resorted to frequent injections of trioxin to keep herself breathing, as well as liberal use of dermal regenerators.

She didn’t even notice when the crew’s visits stopped, and only the wolf remained.

⁂

Janeway sat in B’Elanna’s office and switched on the console. It was time to update her logs and let Chakotay know what he would have to do when he woke up.

_Captain’s log, day thirty-six. Or is it thirty-seven? Computer, correct the date._

_Chakotay, if you are watching this log it means Voyager has finally made it through the nebula, and you are the captain now. I’m sorry to leave you this mess. I have copied all command access codes on the main console on deck fourteen in case the computer system here fails. I’ll stay in Engineering and keep on this course for as long as possible, but I don’t know how long I’ll last._

_The Doctor’s program decompiled itself days ago, and I haven’t been able to reinitialise it since. I hope its matrix wasn’t damaged. Please, put on his record that he conducted himself with the utmost professionalism. It was a privilege to work with him._

_Thank the crew for their help while we crossed the nebula. I know it might sound strange, but without them, the ship wouldn’t have made it. I’ve relied on them to keep me going._

She looked around Engineering, seeing the silent warp core and dead consoles. There was so much more she wanted to tell Chakotay, but it was far too late now. She brought her fingers to the screen.

_Take care, Chako—_

“Well, well, well. Isn’t it the great Starfleet captain herself.” Seska was leaning against the office doorway, clad in a Maquis leather jacket. “Dictating your last words? The job’s becoming too hard for you?”

“What do you want?” Janeway snarled.

“Me? Nothin’.” Seska strode in and sat on the desk, her nose flaring. “Tell you something though: you stink.”

“Charming as ever.”

“All right, let’s drop the niceties. You know I know what’s going on in that messed-up mind of yours.” Seska leaned across and whispered in Janeway's ear. “You’ve been telling yourself that you’ve screwed up. That you don’t deserve to be _Voyager_’s captain. That somebody else could do a much better job. Took you enough time to finally accept the truth, if you ask me.”

Janeway shook her head, hoping the vision would disappear if her brain cells were realigned. Instead the stabbing pain she’d endured on and off for days flared again. “I’ve earned my pips,” she said with a wince.

“Really? Could have fooled me. With Daddy an Admiral and Owen Paris taking you under his wing, what else were you going to do? Stay in science?”

She lifted Janeway’s chin, wiping the grime off the captain’s cheek with her thumb. “That’s exactly what’s going through your mind right now. You wish you were a lowly science officer, with no responsibilities and no life and death decisions to make. Only nice astro-thingies to look at, day in, day out. Would have saved you and your crew a lot of heartbreak being stuck here. Because, let’s be honest with yourself, no Starfleet captain worth their four pips would have tried to get through this nebula, especially not after stranding their crew seventy-five thousand light-years away from home in the first place.”

Janeway went to grab the woman’s hand, but her fingers closed on empty air. “Fuck off, Seska.”

The woman dropped back and laughed. “Oh, touchy are we?”

Janeway clenched her teeth. There was no point in hiding her feelings from the woman. Seska was like a mirror, echoing what she’d been telling herself over the past few days as the ship fell apart around her. Gut-eating shame gnawed at her for failing the crew once more. For putting them all in danger again so she could feel good about shaving a few months off a journey she had condemned them to.

“Why else do you think you’ve haven’t seen them recently? They’ve dumped you when you needed them most, because you don’t deserve them.” Seska’s eyes darkened. “Come on, Janeway. You’ve done your best, but you knew you were never good enough. You can as well give up. At least, the way you're going, you'll be dead before the rest of the crew. Poetic justice, I say, but that’s really what you wish for, isn’t? Die now so you don’t have to face them. Especially not Chakotay.”

Seska hopped off the desk and turned to leave. The wolf came trotting in, taking no notice of Seska who gave him a wide berth before she vanished. The animal sat down in front of the desk, watching Janeway with his head tilted.

“What are you looking at?” Janeway snapped, and immediately regretted it. He was only waiting to accompany her on her afternoon rounds to check navigation, the engines, the weakening deuterium fuel lines, before going to deck fourteen and checking the readings from the one hundred and forty stasis chambers. And do it all over again in the morning.

What was the point? She was as broken as the ship she was trying to hold together. She couldn’t do it anymore. Seska was right.

The wolf walked around the desk and put his head on her knee. Janeway scratched the animal behind the ear, looking deep into his brown eyes. “I’m sorry. You’ve been such a great succour the past few weeks, and I don’t know what I would have done without you. But look where it’s gotten you, dragged into this mess through no fault of your own. If you want to leave now, I won’t hold it against you.”

The animal took her hand in his mouth, tugging at it ever so gently.

“You are not only very loyal, but also very stubborn.” She stood on tired legs. “One more time, then. Just because it's you.”

The wolf let go of her, and they left Engineering side by side.

⁂

A change in the ship’s harsh whining woke her, a faint tremor in the engine harmonics at the edge of her hearing. She dragged herself to the main engineering console.

A quick check of the systems still operational found nothing abnormal, an unusual event in itself, but she wasn’t going to complain. One thing was new though: the ship’s speed had increased by a quarter of a percent. The only explanation she could think of was that the density of the nebula gases must have dropped by the same amount, enabling the ship to plow through the cloud a little more easily. With Astrometrics out of service, she had no way of knowing if the ship had made it through the nebula or if it was another false alarm before the gas density increased again.

The ship maintained its speed over the next hour, filling her with faint hope. She had to believe the nebula was coming to an end. That it wasn’t just a quiet oasis and _Voyager_ would soon to plunge back into the storm. But at this rate of progress, it would take the ship too long to punch into free space.

She would have to go for broke. “Computer, turn off life support and all containment fields, except on deck fourteen and Engineering. Re-route all available power to the engines.” Short of pushing _Voyager_ herself, there was nothing more she could do to keep the ship going.

The speed crept up. Half a percent increase. One percent, then everything slowed down to a trickle again. “Computer, increase the deuterium intake to the impulse engines.”

~The deuterium injectors from the beta tanks are offline.~

_Damn_. “Shut down the intake from the beta tanks and switch to the emergency tanks.”

~Warning. Power to stasis units one through twenty failing.~

_No, no, no,_ her mind wailed. That could not be happening. Not now. Not when they were so close.

“Shut down life support in Engineering and divert remaining power to deck fourteen.”

~Unable to comply. The power couplings on deck fourteen are offline. Warning. Power to stasis units twenty-one through forty is failing.~

The only solution was to reinitialise power from inside the stasis bay. “Computer, on my command, shut down the containment field around Engineering. Restore it after four seconds.”

The door opened as she approached it, the wolf standing close. The lethal haze brewed in the corridor.

“Are you with me?” she asked the animal. His dark eyes bore into her. “Always,” she heard in her mind.

“Computer, shut down the forcefield.” Janeway slapped on her breathing mask and sprinted down the corridor, the wolf keeping pace with her until he was but a blur by her side. She felt his quiet strength reach her as she run into the pink cloud.


	4. I need too much

* * *

  
_Oh, come and take this pain away_   
_Oh, come and set my spirit free_

⁂

Voices. Several of them. So loud even though they were only whispers. The whine of the Doctor. Strange a holographic being would manifest itself in her hallucinations. Seven's clipped tones. B’Elanna’s urgent voice. She shouldn’t have been so curt with her. Tom. Trust a pilot to sense the ship was off course.

She had to get moving. Maybe she could still save them.

Janeway felt around for the face mask. When she couldn't find it, she opened her eyes. The skin on her hands was clear of burns, and she could breathe easily.

Sickbay.

“Captain, don’t try to get up.” The EMH gently pushed her back on the biobed before focusing his attention on the tricorder he was holding.

“_Voyager_? The nebula?” Her mouth was like sandpaper, as if she had forgotten how to talk.

“The ship made it through the gas cloud just in time. Ten more minutes, and I don’t think I would be talking to you.”

“Sorry. Couldn’t get your program back online.”

He looked at her, frowning. “I wasn’t talking about myself. You almost died, Captain. It’s a wonder you survived the exposure to the nebula gases. Even in low density, their effects should have been fatal. As it were, you suffered from majors burns and both your lungs collapsed.”

Her throat tightened. “I didn’t reach the stasis chambers in time, then. They’re all dead. B’Elanna. Tom. Harry.” She couldn’t breathe, her heartbeat getting faster and faster, her head swimming. “Chakotay.”

Everything stopped.

⁂

“Captain.”

Captain? What a joke. The crew was gone, and it was only his ghost coming to indict her.

“You can’t sleep forever.”

She could try. And maybe she wouldn't wake up this time.

“The Doctor said he repaired the damage to your lungs and healed your burns.”

Really? What would a vision know? “Go away.”

“I haven’t seen you for more than a month, and you’re asking me to leave?”

His voice carried much more amusement than she was prepared to tolerate from a ghost. She opened her eyes to Chakotay's smiling face and his damn dimples.

“Hi, Kathryn.”

She whispered his name again and again, tears threatening as she crushed him in her arms.

⁂

“Nobody died. The failing stasis chambers opened just as _Voyager_ was leaving the nebula, and we suffered minimal injuries. Once we made certain the ship was out of danger, B’Elanna undertook a thorough decontamination of all decks, while Ayala and I got into environmental suits to look for you. We found you just a few metres down the corridor.” His fingers squeezed hers hard. “Your condition was touch and go until Seven brought the Doctor’s program back online.”

After two days in sickbay, she still wasn’t entirely convinced he was alive, expecting him to fade into oblivion the moment she turned away. They were sitting on her living room couch, a couple of empty plates from a late meal on the dinner table.

“The ship?” she asked.

“Engineering has been doing double shifts. We’ve degaussed the hull and all micro-fractures have been repaired. With the Alpha tanks empty, B’Elanna said it was a straightforward job to reseal them, a job she had wanted to do for months. Warp speed should be available first thing tomorrow morning. There’s an asteroid field a couple of days away which shows promising signs of raw dilithium, according to Seven.”

“And the crew?”

“The Doctor has given everybody a clean bill of health. For us, it’s like we woke up after a good night’s sleep.”

She breathed in deeply. “Good.” She’d been concerned the crew might have suffered some effects from the brief failure of the stasis pods. Although the Doctor had reassured her this hadn’t been the case, it was good to hear it again.

“I can’t imagine the pain and anguish you went through to survive and pilot the ship all by yourself. Want to talk about it?”

Did she? She had not exactly covered herself in glory. “You know I talked to ghosts of the crew.”

“I read your logs when you were in sickbay. I understand it must have been a strange experience, but it seems to me that you made the most of a bad situation.”

“Tuvok said pretty much the same thing. His ghost, rather.” She was going to have to be careful not to mistake her real officers with what she had made them during the past few weeks. It would not be fair for them to know how much she’d relied on their emotional support. That was not the mark of a good captain.

“What else did he tell you?” he asked when she didn't elaborate.

She looked down before lifting her eyes. “That I should speak to you. But I didn’t.”

She’d talked to about everybody else. Her mind had created illusions of her crew members, the strength of their spirit sustaining her, a reminder of what she should be doing. B’Elanna’s determination, Tuvok’s sense of duty, Harry’s faith in her. Even Seska who’d tried to goad her into giving up. But she had not spoken to her first officer.

Chakotay’s comfortable silence encouraged her to continue. Now was the time to rectify a situation entirely of her making. She breathed in deeply. “After the Borg, I convinced myself that I could not trust you. It was the first time you had gone against my express orders, and despite all my words to you afterwards, I felt you had betrayed me. Worse, that you would do it again. But it was easier for me to just plow on rather than talk to you about my misgivings.”

Her hand was still in his, and his thumb brushed her knuckles. “I am sorry you thought you couldn’t rely on me.”

“Instead, I treated you badly,” she said. “All those months I pushed you away. All those decisions I took without consulting you; where I acted first and told you later. And look where it got me at the end. I singlehandedly decide to cross that damn nebula and put the crew in danger just to shave a few months off our journey.”

“You know we saved more than a few months. Harry calculated that it would have taken us a year to go around that cloud of gases. You did make the right decision, and you were not alone in making it.”

She looked deep in his eyes and saw only devotion and trust. He was right. She was not sure why she deserved him, but there he was, as solid and real as the companion who had been at her side during those weeks of hell. “I know that now, but it took me a while to realise you are always with me, even when I tackled that nebula all by myself,” she said with a smile, the man’s quiet support filling her with warmth.

“I don’t understand.”

She leaned her head against his shoulder. Starved of any human contact for more than a month, she needed to hear his voice and touch him.

He didn't seem to mind.

“When Seska came to talk to me, she laid it all in front of me. The decisions I’d taken in the past that went wrong. My self-doubts about my ability as a captain. In the same way that I had been responsible for stranding the ship in the Delta quadrant, there I was, condemning everybody to death trying to cross that gas cloud. I was so tired of fighting the nebula, of fighting myself. I was ready to give up.”

His arm came around her shoulders and held her tight. “You were exhausted, injured, and hallucinating. And you also are the strongest person I’ve ever known. You just don’t give up.”

“I was so very close though. But somebody made me change my mind.”

“Who?”

“A wolf.”

“A wolf?” Chakota’s voice sounded more curious than concerned.

“Remember that shadow I saw before I—” she squeezed his hand, “before _we_ decided to cross the nebula?”

“Yes, I do, but there was nothing on the internal sensors, and Security never spotted a thing.”

“It came back once you were all in stasis, but I ignored it at first. Until the day the deuterium storage tanks exploded on deck seven, and there was a grey wolf, as real as you are. You can understand why I didn’t tell the Doctor, or say anything about it in my logs. Talking to my crew was one thing; seeing and touching a wild animal…”

The wolf was fast fading from her memory, as if he now shunned the bright light of the reality she’d returned to. As if he knew she was safe now, and didn't need him any more. But she could still feel the peace and strength she had drawn from his presence.

“He warned me of danger that day. Later, he stopped me from putting the ship on a course which could have led to disaster. He was there every single day, protecting me and the ship, and he stayed with me until the very end.” She glanced at the man whose face displayed only keen understanding.

He smiled. “Wolves are strong spirits in my culture. They represent trust, strength through cooperation, loyalty to both their pack and their leader. Working together, side by side, they are a formidable force."

His fingers slid between hers, their hands entwined. "And like that wolf, my commitment is to you. To be there with you whatever your choices. Be there with you to the very end if you let me.”

“Loyal and strong. Always with me,” she said. She borrowed a little deeper into the side of his chest.

“Always,” Chakotay whispered, as he kissed the top of her head.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by ‘Grace’, one of my favourite Stargate – SG1 episodes, (S07e13).
> 
> Chapter titles and quotes from Annie Lennox - Ghosts In My Machine.


End file.
